The past few weeks have left me inundated with sadness. I have tried every attempt to cheer myself up but it has resulted in nothing but poor decisions and impulse purchases. I wish that shopping wasn’t such a cathartic experience because I just stack on my debt this way. Unfortunately, nothing but buying has been able to keep my mind off my negative emotions.
I have tried and tried to determine what is causing my glum mood but I know that it is too many different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve outgrown much of my life and just feel so powerless to change my current circumstances. Every type of change requires so many countless steps that I just can’t keep up with it. For example, I’ve been trying to eliminate the paper clutter in my place. I have stacks and stacks of paper to sort and deal with. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal–however–I have tons of important documents I have to keep and so it can’t just be a simple task of dumping all the papers in a shredder. I have to sort, evaluate, and work through every fucking sheet and it can’t just be a “one and done task.”
I feel this way about everything in my life that I need to change. Don’t get me wrong–I am willing to do the work and have no problem taking accountability for my actions and the mistakes I have made. The problem comes in being simply overwhelmed by the complexity of everything. There is not “one and done” change that I can make in my life. Everything is has to be sorted, evaluated, and worked through. The only quick task I can complete is to separate myself from my negativity, sadness. I understand that I feel really low but I am still separating myself from these feelings–doing everything to not allow them to consume me…
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